We all wear a social mask.
We put on a persona in the world so we feel safe. Still, we long to be seen and approved of. And if we didn’t get that as children, most of our adult behavior is focused on getting it. I didn’t grow up with a lot of self-esteem. My dear mom was not taught to honor her feelings or see herself as worthy. And without knowing it and without meaning to, she passed that on to me. So I chose relationships early on with men where I gave away my power because they reinforced the feeling I wasn’t worthy. Who I was, wasn’t enough. My social mask morphed to fit the other person.
Another part of me (the Compassionate Witness, Soul, Higher Self) stayed close inside quietly observing. I wasn’t going to let anybody see that authentic being because the social mask protected me. I realized to let that part of my true being out – she might be trampled on and that would be disasterous.
I was not going to bring her out from behind my social mask to be destroyed.
Then I met my husband of 36 years, and he accepted me for exactly who I was. I could take off my social mask. I didn’t have to be a certain way to be loved. That was a revelation to me. Oh my God, I don’t have to make myself attractive, people please, be someone else. That was a huge lesson. It didn’t come easy.
First, I had to repair the relationship with myself. I wore the social mask out in the world in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. Now, as I’m about to turn 68 next month, I look in the mirror relieved the social mask is no longer a survival mechanism. Then, I pull my skin back towards my ears and think, gee, what would it be like if I got a facelift?
The question becomes – if I want to be accepted just as I am – I have to accept myself just as I am. This applies to the body as well. Love it now – accept it now, make peace with it.
Aging happens. It shows up in our faces, bodies, minds and hearts. The mind and heart takes on wisdom – reflected in our smiles, wrinkles, and ease with ourselves as Queenagers.
Youthfulness is energy it’s not an age or lack of face wrinkles.
However, a woman might look in the mirror and see a tired sagging face – and she doesn’t feel that way inside. So having plastic surgery can align her more with how she sees herself. Because social media shows the extremes we might judge something as “bad” or unacceptable. I support every woman’s right to do with her body what she wants. My main encouragement is to take care of that body with loving care!
When my husband met me, I’d faced some traumas, and so had he. We’d both had a first marriage and were clear-eyed about what we wanted. He knew he could not clip my wings, and he was not the sort of man to try. I had a vision of what I wanted in life, and he’s given me a clear runway for everything – as I have also given to him.
But we don’t need to look for that in another person. The fact is I found it in myself first. Then it reflected in my life. It attracted a man who gave me the gift of acceptance and love because I felt that way toward myself. So it’s really not in a soulmate you’re searching for, it’s within yourself. And like a magnet, we pull those people into our life that bring the love and acceptance.
St. Francis of Assisi:
“What you are looking for is what is looking.”
What does all this have to do with facelifts and plastic surgery?
It goes back to looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you just the way you are.” Giving yourself compassion, celebrating all the things you’ve been through, all the hard things that you have endured, every time you got up in the morning and thought, “I can’t do this.” And you just kept going anyway.
Not prioritizing yourself leads to burnout, frustration, body imflammation, discontent and wondering WTH happened to my body, my emotions, my joy. Filling your own cup is the key. Self care and self love.
And when you have filled your cup, you’ll have more to give and the stamina to give it. That’s fulfillment. Put yourself first in line. Empty nest? Divorce? Retirement? Parents passing? Life is pushing you to the front of the line.
Step up and own it.
I invite you to take a look at your social mask and ask, am I keeping my true self hidden from myself? Emotional eating is a symptom of living under the social mask, afraid to let the authentic you come out. Healing our relationship with ourselves is the first step. Letting go of judgements we’ve held for decades about beauty, worth, what we can and can’t do.
Here’s a tip:
Whatever you see in another women (you know or don’t know) that triggers you to become judgmental – turn it around and ask yourself – am I seeing a part of ME that I don’t like – in her? Finding the unconscious judgments that are deep inside is the first step.
Food is a way to soothe yourself. Distract. Self medicate. Numb. “I don’t want to face those feelings that I’m unworthy or I’m not enough or I don’t deserve it or I don’t feel safe.”
That’s what I did in my 20s. I didn’t have the awareness to look at my childhood traumas. It was hidden and lodged in my subconscious. It showed up in my behaviors and poor choices in men that I allowed into my life. (The life wearing a social mask.)
The lack of a relationship with myself and acting out traumas, led me into a first marriage that was abusive. I knew within a few weeks I had made a mistake. The marriage ended within 10 months. i took a hard look at myself. How did I allow this into my life? I went beyond blame and shame to true curiosity tinged with deep sadness.I’d really let myself down over and over.
Anais Nin (1903-1977), diarist, poet and essayist said:
“Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.”
I was 28 and felt so broken. I felt the lie for the first time. I went into therapy and discovered I didn’t value myself. I had no idea! Until then, I couldn’t look at the childhood traumas. I had convinced myself I had a great childhood – because my family knew how to wear that social mask so well. I drank the kool-aid, put on my emotional armor and went forth into my life, broken, thinking I was strong.
Every time those feelings came up that I didn’t value myself, I would stuff them down with food.
My mom was terrified of feelings so the message was – feelings are not okay, are not to be shown, discussed, displayed or given any value. So every time my feelings came up – I learned to stuff them back down. It brought feelings of unworthiness, invalidation, lack of trust, and not being safe.
At the same time, my mom was my most powerful life teacher because of the extreme emotional difficulties with her. She could not show love in a way I needed as a child. So I went looking for it – and eventually came back to myself – the love was inside.
I had to love myself. I see that as a gift from my mom. And I honor the life path she walked with her own unspoken traumas and the searing life pain she endured.
Because of her, I learned to fly on my own. I learned to be strong. I learned to survive.
We are human beings. Not human doings. I want to show up as who I truly am. A facelift might do that for a woman – align her outer self with how she feels inwardly – but a social mask will never do that. You cannot hide from yourself. And if you have, don’t worry you’re not alone and it’s never too late to start peeling back the layers.
Just like losing weight will not make you happy (you’ll just be the same unhappy person in a slimmer body), a facelift will not make you love yourself more (you have to have that first.)
But the social mask – the people pleasing, false identity, protective armor mask – it blocks your true self.
You have a brilliant Light to shine – don’t deprive the world, your loved ones, yourself of the magnificence you bring as a woman at this stage of your life!
Remember the Universe is pushing you to the front of the line – in your life, every action you take to honor yourself.
Thank you for reading.
with love, Julia